if only you didn't exist.
i wouldn't found out that he went out 3 times with you behind my back.
i wouldn't wait for 3 months seeing if he will tell me about it.
i kept it in me for 3 months,
till i really could not take it.

from the start until starting of march 2010
everytime we go out.
8/10, there's your message

" pator with gf?"
"ya"
"hais..nvm"

remember this message?
do you know the feeling of it?
this message always repeat in my mind.

you were almost everywhere during the times when we went out together.

do you know the feeling?
Bf going out with other girl .
Bf DID not say it.
i only found out when i read your blog.
do you know how devastated i feel?
i remember asking him
if he hid anything behind my back
he replied:
no.
After that, i started reading your archives.
Remember what you posted on 7/8/9
the day i & him got together?
Those small words
Those hidden letters.
i seen all of them.
Even though you deleted those posts, it was too late.
i had seen everything.
& all those words, are always in my mind.

remember the first 3 months, i compromised with him
i beared all the unhappiness.
but i couldn't take it after that
due to the stress.

He did not allow me go out with purely guys
and i did not.
i always tried my best to ask him to go out with his friends.
cause i know it's unfair if i'm the only one going out.

i even declined half of my friends' outing too.

my attitude towards him changed after dec.
i admit this.
Things that are not suppose to be worse,
i made it worst.
i don't deny it.

i also started scolding him b____
after he started calling me a
_________ when we quarrelled.
you will never know the feeling of it.

at that point of time,
i was pissed.
what right did he have to scold me.

i get paranoid easily after dec
cause i was so afraid to lose him

i only told him about both of you going out behind my back in march.
but everything is too late.
i totally cannot get over it
i know it's not your fault
but you should get things right.

and lastly,
i did thank him for many of the things he had done for me.
i appreciated everthing alot, even if i didn't say it.( i did tell him this.)
just like the times,
when he appreciate it when i took a 1hr30min bus ride to clementi
just to take bus home with him
hoping he wouldnt feel lonely.

but remember, sometimes he left me feeling unappreciated too.

i remember telling him to say sorry for some lame things
he did told me something like this
"so close oredi sae sorry and ty for wat."

he only tell me about losing his feelings after things cannot be help
i did lost my feelings last time,
so i thought it's only temporary
just like how i will lose my feelings too.

there're alot of things i wanted to say.
i swear i can write a few pages of what i want to tell you.

There're times when i lost feelings
i gave him the chances to win it back.
So why was i given the death sentence when he lost feelings for the first time?

please get things straight before
you criticize me in any ways.

You can always clarify things you want to know with me on msn.
i believe, you , being a girl,
will be able to understand my feelings.:)

i not a broadcaster.
LOL